// Four months later..//

Well, four months have passed and every cliché saying moms say come spilling out of my mouth every day, most of all “Where does the time go?” Seriously.

I decided I would just do one big update once I was back at work and settled. During my maternity leave I was entrenched in the ebb and flow of Marlow time –  never knowing what day or time it is, only marking days and hours by when Marlow last ate, pooped, smiled, slept, etc. So get ready, big recap coming your way. I only wish this could capture it all, but I accept this will come WAY short.

First of all, can I say to all you other mothers that came before me, I’m mad at you. You didn’t tell me. You didn’t tell me, but then I guess you never could have put into words, the “curse” of motherhood. The constant fear, constant worry, nightmare-inducing panic that I will live with forever. Okay, maybe you tried to tell me, but maybe I didn’t get it. I’m currently designing the interiors of my daughter’s bubble because, holy moly; she should live in there forever. My brain will never work the same again. EVER. Yes, the world seems equally scarier and equally brighter all at the same time with my new label “mom”. And whether I have ten kids or one, my baby is my baby; and I’ll only want to keep her happy and safe forever. And then I remember my job is to let her know she can be a bright spot in the world, be vulnerable, is not perfect, and is worthy of great love and God’s good grace. It’s okay though. I will take the curse if it means I get to love this for the rest of my life:

And another thing you didn’t explain clearly enough. Everyone says, “Do what’s right for you.” What you should have said is, “Roll the dice. Choose one way or another. Doesn’t matter because no matter what, you’re wrong. Or at least you’ll end up feeling that way.” Right?! Okay, so it’s not that dramatic, BUT what I’ve learned is to just go with what works for us/what our hearts are compelled to AND – this is key – don’t.look.back. Yet, I always do. It takes a while to come to terms with the fact that whatever method, philosophy, approach I choose, I sacrifice or risk something. Every choice will have some hidden “they-never-told-me-that-that-might-happen” consequence. It will happen again and again forever, but I will wear out too fast if I try to do anything but choose what’s best for us including its’ consequences. Again, it’s okay because this:

So, maternity leave.

Oh sweet, chaotic, twilight zone of three months. I loved it. Like LOVED it. Yes, I had some really hard days…and nights. Some things that happened:

-          Participated in a healthy, compassionate c-section.
-          Sobbed while nursing, tears falling in my face and hers. (joy, not pain, also sometimes frustration)
-          Cried when she first smiled at me. My heart broke from being too full.
-          Fell asleep while nursing.
-          Co-slept.
-          I think I fell asleep standing.
-          Woke up in panic making sure she was okay.
-          Stayed in pajamas all day some days.
-          Snuggled and snuggled even though our sweaty skin stuck together.
-          Made my husband sleep on the floor a time or two.
-          Felt inadequate. A lot.
-          Did my best to comfort her when she’d fuss for three hours every single night for 7 weeks.
-          Celebrated the first time she: didn’t have a witching hour; took a bottle; took a bottle 10 weeks later; didn’t cry on a car ride; slept in her cradle; held something in her hand; and many more firsts.
-          Compared.
-          Got lonely.
-          Finally understood why people say they love nursing. I love it. (Also, there were moments I wanted to throw in the towel.)
-          Cried over my changed body. Celebrated it later.
-          Had the sweetest Christmas ever even though I cried every 5 minutes (hello hormones).
-          Wished I had a picture of my boobs from before.
-          Mourned the loss of life before baby.
-          Stared and stared and stared into that beautiful, tiny face.
-          Dreamed of our bright future.
-          Felt physical pain during separation.
-          Wore her. Then spilled crumbs on her. lol
-          Had near panic attacks in crowds.
-          Didn’t visit a grocery store in three months.
-          Almost never left the house. And felt totally okay about it.
-          Marveled at my husband becoming a dad. Fell more in love.

-          Was amazed every time she stopped crying just because she’s with me. Still do.

Let’s visit some things I learned (a short version):

- Every baby is so different. No. REALLY. When we finally accepted her the way she is, life got so much sweeter. We stopped listening to what others thought would and should work for her. We only needed to listen to her. She tells us everything we need to know if we stop managing her and just listen to her and accept the answer. We’ve come to know her and we know what will and won’t work for her…most of the time.

- I realized that as soon as we worry about something, Marlow reminds us she’ll do it/learn it/adjust in her own time. Everything we’ve tried to implement has failed. She’s literally lead the way the entire time. It’s working great. It’s taught us to have more patience and trust her.

- As soon as we figure something out or establish a new norm, it changes.

- I needed a lot of support from other moms and still do.

- It takes a village. My families have been there for us and more. So blessed.

- Parenting will find your weaknesses and exploit them. I realized how much stronger I’m going to need to be when it comes to speaking my mind. (I know you might think I have no problem with that, but oh, I do, especially with those closest to me.) I will have to stand up and voice some things that normally I wouldn’t for the better of my daughter regardless of how it makes others feel.

- I appreciate my mom so much more than ever before, not just because of her doing awesome raising us three kids, but because she rocks as a grandma and mother to me as a new mom. She supports and encourages us in our parenting. I like to remember that my mom parented without all the books and blogs; she just moved to the beat of her own drum like she always has and let the heart lead. Good reminder. I know my husband feels the same about his mom. We can’t believe what they both did and so much younger than us. Strong women.

- I feel really bad to all my friends who had babies before me, which is just about all of them. I remember so desperately wishing I had known how to help you or be there for you. There’s just no way I could have known.  I’m sorry. You are so amazing.

- I have unending appreciation and empathy for all moms, each doing their best while never knowing what will come next.

Here are some other sweet mom “skills” I picked up. Tell me you’ve done these, too.

- Learned how to pee while wearing a baby in a wrap. Yes, it happened.

- Learned how to complain nicely about the following:

• lack of wheelchair access (strollers)
• lack of changing tables in bathrooms
• lack of consideration when seating people with a child seat at restaurants
• general lack of respect and consideration from young turds.

- Mastered the art of changing a baby in a public restroom without touching ANYTHING. Figured out how to change a baby in the car during winter and also pouring rain. Also feeding in a car seat. Come on, you’ve done it.

- Flying with a baby.

- Nursed in an airport while wearing baby in the bjorn.

- Can now dodge all of Spokane’s pot holes if there’s a sleeping baby in the car. Clean it up Spokane!

- How to do just about any chore in my home without making a peep.

- Developed military style hand signals between the husband and I. One quick hand signal and he understands, “I need my cell phone and no, I don’t know where I left it, bring pump parts, some water, and can you pull off my yoga pants because I’m holding a sleeping baby, and also pull back the covers so I can go to bed. mkaythanks.”

And now some final words about the miracle that grew in my belly and now occupies my heart and lives in my arms…my baby, Marlow.

[insert all the amazing things parents say about their kids here. All true for me, too.]

She’s funny. And sweet. And sometimes bossy, I mean, expressive ;P. We see ourselves in her already. She likes to talk, a lot. She likes to listen to herself. She gives these smiles where she softly leans in and closes her eyes at the same time and it makes you melt into human butter. She makes hilarious poop faces and we love them. Looking at her makes everything else disappear. She made us mom and dad. She made us into a family. She makes us better people. She’s evidence of miracle – seriously, how does that even happen?! We created a human. I can’t believe we even have that privilege. She’s makes me question how good of a mom I could possibly be, and then I remember that I’m meant to be her mom and she my daughter. We will go through this life loving, learning, and laughing together. It’s going to be hard, and it’ll also be so good that it takes my breath away. I’m only 4 months into this  position I’ll occupy for the rest of my life, but I say parenting is full of challenge, irony, joy and roller coasters  …topped with poop, milk loogies, drool, permanent under eye bags, and never-ending loads of laundry. Ah, the good life, my friends!

Again, this:

// Marlow’s Birth Story//

It has been one month since our dear Marlow was born. I’ve been working on writing this ever since that day. It will never completely and accurately convey the story, the experience, but alas here it is! I am writing from where I am today. Choking up. (first of 10,347,397,243 times that will happen while writing this). Also, this is incredibly detailed and lengthy, sorry. I want it to be an account for our family to look back at.

*If you haven’t been following, we found out our daughter was breech at 36 weeks. We did just about everything we could to flip her, but with no success. We remained in the 3-4% of pregnancies that are still breech this late in gestation, which requires a c-section in our community.* 

Twas the night before…

The house was spotless. Everything in its place. Bags packed. Important papers in order. Call lists made. When there’s so much that can’t be controlled, I guess I tend to try to control the little things that I can. My sister sent Donald and I out to a dessert date at Twigs. I was exhausted and my body was aching. We sat in a corner table overlooking the mall’s giant Christmas tree and watched the snow fall outside. It was exactly how I pictured it might be on her birthday. There was something in the air. We ate our desserts, looked into each others eyes exchanging sentiments of excitement, trepidation, love, and a million other feelings. It was hard to know what to expect or how to feel when your’e anticipating something so unique and new for which you have no previous experience to reference. It was our moment. It was perfect.

Believe it or not we did sleep that night, but not too soundly.

The day of

The morning had arrived. I felt good, really good. Ready. I had my sister do my hair and make up, which was such a nice treat. 

9:00am

The drive to the hospital was just…weird. We laughed nervously and had quiet moments looking out the windows with wide, excited eyes. 

We checked in. “Jorgensen, party of two, c-section. Will someone be taking our bags to our room?” So awkward. 

We made our way back to the same room where we had the version (ECV) done. It was nice to be somewhere familiar for the prep. I got robed, hooked up to IVs, and started being monitored.

Our delivery nurse, Paula, was there the whole time, start to finish. She was a rockstar to say the least. Our midwife was there. She made sure I knew exactly what was going to happen next, would rub a foot or calf while caring for me, talk to my family, and just worked it. They both asked what our concerns were, fears were, hopes were for the birth knowing that we had taken Bradley classes in preparation and hopes of a natural birth. This is where all those months of reading and prep came in handy. From the start we had a ‘birth intentions’ document for a c-section, too. We went over our hopes with them. This was key. This set the stage for everything else to follow. They were our angels and advocates this day. Beyond thankful for them. Aside from wanting a healthy mom and baby, we wanted to bring as much as we could emotionally, naturally to this birth that would be full of procedures and scalpels. 

One of my biggest worries was how I would process the birth having not gone through labor, pushing, and delivery by way of my body and my baby’s body doing the work. What would happen, how would I feel without the natural triggers that release those sweet euphoric hormones? Would we get the same start? Would we be delayed in physical progress and/or emotional? I knew so much of this birth would be not of physical labor, but of the mental and emotional labor beforehand.

We then talked to theanesthesiologist, the assisting OB (who happened to be our main doctor’s husband), and our doctor. Paula stood by making sure I covered all questions and concerns we had discussed with her. Even interrupting the doc saying “yes, she does have some questions… (looks at me) go ahead.” Clutch, Paula.

I got to see my mom before heading back to surgery. She, my sis, and Don kept things light. We laughed and took pictures of how funny they looked in their one-size-fits-all outfits; Don’s too small, Ton’s too big.

Off we go. 

11:45am

Dr. C comes in to discuss final arrangements. She’s full of energy, talking fast, as usual. She is so optimistic and down to earth. It puts me at ease. 

They wheel my bed back to the operating room while Donald and Tonhya wait in the hallway.

In the operating room…

When we asked every attending professional ever so politely if my sister (a professional photographer) could photograph Marlow’s birth just as I had hoped she always could - vaginal delivery or not - they all approved. Dr. C said, “Yeah, that’s cool!” Um really?! Just like that? God, this day is good! 

I am alone…well with the entire team. The room is medical, made for operating, but not terribly intimidating. I sit on the edge of the bed, legs dangling off the edge, facing my midwife who explains that no one is in the room who doesn’t need to be. It’s time to start the spinal. I lean my head forward and down into her chest while she rubs my shoulders telling me to breathe and push into it. He misses, twice. Ouch. Straight into the bone. I re-position, practice my deep breaths, and in it goes. It immediately takes affect, making my feet numb. They help me back down to the bed. 

They start prepping my abdomen, insert a catheter, and test the effectiveness of the spinal. I’m so thankful that it did not reach my diaphragm  saving me from any labored breathing. Paula shows me where the warmer is and where everyone in the room is stationed. Oh, and they will not be restraining my arms. 

Dr. C and her husband tell me they’re going to start prepping my stomach. As they do that the curtain goes up in front of me. They ask me if I’d like it higher or lower. Dr. C is comfortable with any height that still protects me from accidentally getting “sprayed with any fluid..cause that’d be gross.” :) Fine by me.

Mirror Mirror

One of the other key requests we made was to have a mirror set up that would allow us to both see the entire birth. Our midwife and nurse found a mirror, which looked just like a wardrobe mirror, nothing medical. It looked so out of place with its maple frame among the white clothes and stainless instruments. I liked it. They set it up by my head so I had a view of my abdomen and the doctor’s hands. 

Baby Time

They brought in my husband and my sister. And I focus my breathing. Deep breaths. Relaxation time. I visualize everything leading up to this moment as the beginning stages of labor. It’s time to “push” and meet our baby. Donald sits by my head, caressing my hair, locking eyes intensely. He smiles and tells me he’s so proud of me. I’m all smiles and deep breaths of nervousness. THIS IS IT.

Talk to Me

Another part of our plan was for our doctor to verbally communicate with us throughout the entire procedure, even as short as it is, telling us exactly what’s happening. This was in hopes for us to feel and experience every part of this procedure as “ours”. She does so enthusiastically  She brings so much joy to this birthday celebration! 

Dr. C says okay “uterus” which is the key word for me to start watching the mirror. I opted to not watch the cutting into me portion. So my belly is open. Her and her husband grab either side of my stomach muscles and pull outward. WHOA. Did they just do that..to me?! Oh man, this is crazy. She says that she’s going to start pulling the baby out now. Out comes her little bum. “Oh my gosh she’s peeing!” lol Dr. C. looks at my sister and tells her to come around if she wants pictures (amazing). Next come her little legs and back. She looks like she’s doing a downward facing dog yoga move but with her head still inside me. And “here she is!” out comes her head and her face. Dr. C makes sure I can see in the mirror. Good lord, she’s here, tears, joy, laughter, looking up at Donald, glancing at my crying sister. Our baby is perfect. 

12:15pm

“Oh my gosh she has red hair!!”

No way! I don’t really believe them, but it certainly does look like it. There’s no way I could have possibly imagined what she’d look like. That she’d look like this, like her, so perfect. Big cheeks, sweet eyes, kissable lips, steely blue eyes, light hair. 

Donald looks at me with a panic. We need a name! What do you think? Is she Marlow? Absolutely. “Everyone, we have a name!” Meet Marlow. I look at my sister, who is bawling, and she mouths “Maarrloow” with the biggest smile.

They take her over to the warming table immediately. She is being suctioned and rubbed. Donald is there. I can see the emotion whelming in his body, hands on hips, head cocked to the side adoringly looking down at the miracle of his first child, shock and awe, feet swaying side to side impatiently wanting to scoop her up. She’s not crying. I am. “Come on baby cry for mama. I’m right here,” I say. Paula goes and shows the obviously new NICU nurse how to get the baby to cry. “Waaaah hek waaah hek” Omg, that is HER cry. It’s strong. The NICU nurse holds her up to show me. Um no. Bring me her. I don’t need a photo. NOW. “Bring her to me,” I plead. She proceeds to try to swaddle my baby. Donald politely says “you don’t need to do that. She’s being placed skin to skin on my wife’s chest.” She snips back, “If I don’t do this, she’ll get cold.” Lie. You’re moving her five feet. No warmer in any hospital will warm a baby as well as the chest of her mother. 

Skin to skin

They bring her to me.

This was our most important request - that the baby be brought to my chest for skin to skin contact as soon as possible for as long as possible. When we talked to Dr. C about this, she was incredibly supportive even saying that she doesn’t need much space to sew me up; and if we get in her way, she’ll just let us know, no big deal. Ugh love her! 

Marlow is brought to me. She’s so close to my face that I can’t even really see her face yet. She’s warm. She’s rooting around. Donald lifts her sweet head and puts her mouth to my breast. She finds me and starts to suckle. Her tense little body relaxes. It’s her home, her comfort. Reunited again. I close my eyes and lean my head back finally relaxing as well, tears streaming out the sides of my eyes and down my hair. This is really happening. Donald and I exchange huge smiles and laugh in the perfection of this moment.

We lay together for about 30 minutes before we all have to be transferred. I am taken back to the room we prepped in. I go alone. Donald and Tonhya go with Marlow to get checked out in the nursery with the NICU nurse. Our midwife hands Donald the baby, “Ready Dad?” Um ok! Off they go. Donald carries Marlow through the hall and right past our family who was all waiting in the hall, completely surprised to see Donald with baby in arms. What a sweet moment! 

Marlow during nursery visit. Photo by Tonhya.

I spent an agonizing 20 minutes alone, waiting for my loves to return. It is unbelievable how strong that tie is between mom and baby. When she’s gone, it feels like my heart is outside my body. The further away she is, the harder it is to breathe. 

What I found out later was that the NICU nurse wanted to keep Marlow in the nursery for several more vital checks, which happen every half hour. After she did the first set, Donald asked when she could go back to her mom. She responded saying oh I’m going to want to keep her here a while to be monitored. In comes super hero nurse Paula! “Okay, we’re ready for that baby now. We can check her in her room later. ” God bless Paula everyone!

Family photo by Tonhya.

My family returns. Our sweet angel looks so healthy. Over the next two days, we spend so much time skin to skin, with dad too. Our families are with us. I am recovering - more on that later. We work on different positions to help get a better latch. Marlow passes all her tests. Our nurses take sweet care of us. I drink fruit juice like it was just invented. We’re finally cleared to go home on the 22nd. Just in time for Christmas.

Enjoying some skin to skin time. Photo by Tonhya.

This is where I’ll end for now. I have so much more to say about how our fist month has been, what we’ve learned, how Marlow’s doing, etc, but this is just about the birth.

What I know for sure…

- Being open minded and accepting of the fact that no two births are ever the same and the only thing predictable about birth is that it is unpredictable put me in the right mindset to accept c-section as an option for my daughter’s birth.

- Taking Bradley classes and reading books like The Thinking Woman’s Guide to a Better Birth helped me fully understand what birth looks like naturally, how the body works, what different interventions are available, the risks of different procedures, interventions and medications. Without all this knowledge, we could not have made the educated choices we made for our daughter’s birth.

- Who your care team/provider is could very well be the largest factor in how your birth experience goes. We were lucky to find an amazing team who shared our values and treated us as a family, not patients. I say luck, but honestly we would not have settled until we found the right people.

- It is our responsibility to empower ourselves with knowledge, to make decisions from a place of power and love, and not as a victim. So many people tell you what you should do, that this or that will damage you or your baby, that “you’ll be fine” just do x, y or z because “it’s easier”, etc. We took it upon ourselves to make decisions that we right for our family.

- Surgery is done to you and your baby…the more I was able to understand it and influence the experience, as well as visualize it as our version of “labor and birth,” the easier it was to be present during it and enjoy it.  

Donald and I are so thankful for the support and love from our family and friends who were with us for Marlow’s birthday and who helped support us before and after. We’re thankful for Dr. C and Dr. B, Paula, Midwife T, and the entire team that took care of us at Deaconess. We could not have imagined a c-section going this way and that we’d get to be full participants the way you allowed us - thank you.

XO,

J & D & M

*Tonhya will be posting all the photos from Marlow’s birthday on her blog soon! I haven’t even seen them yet. We’re so thankful that we got to have the entire day documented by my sister. :)

// 39 weeks//

This is a weird post to write. Wow, never thought we’d ever get here! We are so close to finally welcoming our daughter to the world and to our family.

Since last week I’ve been working from home, balancing my time relaxing, nesting, and getting things done. It’s been perfect. Just like other mammals who spend their last days before birthing preparing a safe den and retreating for hours a day, I’ve been able to have physical and emotional space from the stresses that are unnecessary to this process. 

My sister and brother-in-law arrived this week to help Donald and me. We’ve been cleaning, organizing, wrapping presents, watching Christmas movies, and making last minute arrangements. We’re so thankful.

I have processed a lot of emotions this week and reached out to a lot of people for their advice and support. …about c-sections, breast feeding, becoming a mom, having visitors, husband support, on and on. I think most of my fears are addressed as best they can be, and it’s time to set them aside. I’ve read books and listened to friends, and now it’s time to quiet my mind. I am focused on the  peaceful energy in my home and the connection with my husband. It’s just about game time. 

Pray for a successful and uncomplicated surgery and delivery, a happy and healthy baby, and the bursting joy of two new parents.

Until she’s here…

XO, J & D

Thanks to my lovely, talented sister..I’m so spoiled. http://tonhyakaeblog.com/ 

The full list of pregnancy posts: 

37-38 weks

35+ weeks

34 weeks

32 weeks

28 weeks and 29 weeks

27 weeks

25 weeks

23 weeks

21 weeks

20 weeks

19 weeks

18 weeks

17 weeks

16 weeks

15 and 12 weeks

// 37-38 weeks and all kinds of surprises//

Here we are - full term! And oh what a week it has been. Let’s just start at the beginning.

At our 36 week check up our midwife became suspicious that our little girl was not exactly in the position she should be by now - head down. We didn’t think too much of it. Babies move around all the time, right? The midwife suggested that we do an ultrasound right away to confirm her position. We were not huge fans of this plan, knowing that as soon as we start doing ultrasounds and measurements and whatnot, there’s just that much more that can be used to complicate things. BUT, we did know we needed to find out her position for sure. 

Operation ‘flip this baby’ begins.

We push off our ultrasound a few days giving us some time to get her to flip on our own and give another midwife an external feel before the ultrasound on Monday.

So here are the things we tried…

Our best resource was http://www.spinningbabies.com/. 

Home inversions like this…

Pelvic tilts…

Webster’s chiropractic tecnique…

Moxibustion Acupuncture…

Massage therapy…

Pool handstands and somersaults…yes, this happened…but not all graceful like this or in this beautiful setting. It was at the Gonzaga gym next to old men professors in other lanes while students walking by and 19 year old lifeguards looked at me like a side show freak. There was a make shift swim suit and flailing and nose holding. It was awesome. 

Basically we tried just about EVERYTHING. And yet baby was still snug as a bug in the frank breech position when we saw her on ultrasound. Frank breech looks like this:

What we didn’t know is that only 3-5% of babies at this gestation are still in the breech position. Eooow boy…

This put us into a “higher risk” category which means that our lovely midwives now had to bring in their OB partners. Some of the risks of having a breech baby include compressing the cord when baby drops or water breaks, a stuck head, etc.

This is also when we found out NO ONE will deliver a breech baby in Spokane. Those are the words we get from everyone…NO ONE. We did hear there might be one home birth midwife who would do it, but we’re just not that brave with someone we’ve not been working with.

So what can we do?! Cesarean is our only option? 

Versions

That’s when the topic of versions came up again. We had been doing everything in our power to avoid it. A version or ECV is the external manipulation of the baby to make them turn. 

There are ugly risks involved including emergency c-section because of fetal distress, damage to the placenta or cord, etc. These risks are very low ranging from .4-3% for the most part.

Our initial thought was that we do not want to not force her to do anything. There are tons and tons of reasons why babies are in a breech position. Often they are good reasons that we may never be able to know. 

Then we were given the ultimatum. Try the version with a doctor who our midwife recommends and who will work with our comfort levels. OR Schedule c-section. 

Ugh.

As scary as it was to say yes, we agreed to try a version. It was my absolute last shot - short of a miracle of her turning on her own between now and delivery, which is very rare this late in the game - anyway, last shot at delivering her vaginally. 

So here we go.

We check in at 9:30am. Undressed and robed. On a labor and delivery bed. Hooked to an IV. Electronic fetal monitor on. I hate most of this already. But, our nurses are lovely and our midwife arrives. We talk through the procedure. She holds my hand and rubs my legs. 

Doctor finally arrives around 1pm (after performing an unexpected surgery) and introduces herself, talks through what she’s going to do, risks, etc. She’s very young and energetic - so unexpected. She’s very clear that we only do as much as baby and I can tolerate. Nothing more. If baby is willing to move then great; if not, we stop. 

I am given a drug that makes me shaky but makes my uterus soft as dough. Then the kneading, digging, pushing begins. If you imagine that baby’s bum has already dropped into my pelvis and she’s so deep inside me yet someone is trying to dig their bony fingers down into my pelvis and under baby’s bum from the outside…it’s just awful. Three people are over me holding, pushing, digging. My doctor was sweating with effort. We’d go, breathe breathe breathe, then pause to check baby (ultrasound and EFM). All fine. We kept at this for about 15 minutes. I almost passed out. The look on Donald’s face watching all of this was so sad. He was tortured as much as I was, watching me in pain. Finally we just called it. Baby moved a half turn forward but I think this was just a pivot at the hips and then she bounced right back to where she was. No budging for this stubborn little lady. 

What also made this unlikely and difficult is that my fluids are already pretty low. Some docs wouldn’t even have attempted it with this low of levels. There’s just not much room left this late in the game.

I had a good cry. We hugged and held hands. That was it. Time to change courses. We were monitored for another two hours. Baby was completely unaffected, not even a rise in heart beat. Thank goodness.

Here are the most important things we’ve done during pregnancy…

It has always been most important to be an educated consumer. Yes, consumer. Health care is in your hands. Gone are the days of showing up and putting your health care decisions in the hands of someone else…at least for us.

Prepare for, but do not expect, your ideal scenario, and know all about the alternative outcomes. For us this was knowing all we could about the process of labor and birth, the history, what is possible, how it works in nature, the statistics, methods, medications used today, what options there are for preparing for a natural birth. These are not things that us humans aren’t born knowing like other mammals. We have to learn. 

Have a great support team starting with your choice in health care provider. The relationship you have with your provider and what they’ve done in the past will absolutely determine your experience with them. Find someone who fits and is like minded. Don’t expect someone to change just for you. It won’t happen even if they say they will. 

Find good women. Find friends and other women who will not insult your decisions or try to press their opinions and experiences on you, try to scare you, or make you feel stupid. I’m so lucky to have women in my life who care share their experiences and opinions without expecting me to do the same, who share because they care, who support my ideas and decisions as a woman and a mother. 

So here’s what’s next…

The very best thing about our version was meeting Dr. Alissa Conklin. 

Knowing that we will be having a surgical birth experience, our next step is to ensure that it is as great as it can possibly be.

Yes, we are scared about all kinds of risks and setbacks that can come with c-sections. Breast feeding. Medications. Healing. Bonding. Fluid in lungs. On and on. But, we also know so many moms and babies who have done great!

Here are the things we value that we share with our doctor:

- My hands can be tied down during surgery for safety but removed quickly after.

- I can watch her coming into the world slowly via a mirror.

- Our midwife can be with us and take photos.

- I can go into surgery without a top robe and only a blanket for easy skin to skin access.

- After lungs are cleared (and baby is fine) she can come straight to my chest to bond and try to latch. She can stay with me until it’s time to transport us both to recovery and quickly thereafter. 

- Medications can all be breast-feeding friendly.

- We can even have music in the room if that helps. 

- Donald can still cut the cord.

Basically, as long as we’re not in an emergency situation, our doctor will be working to make this experience special and natural and personal as possible.

We couldn’t ask for more.

We have another ultrasound to check fluids and baby on Tuesday. I’ve been put on “house rest” until Tuesday. We will know more then. It’s just amazing to know we’ll have a baby by Christmas. 

Thank you for your continued love and support! I appreciate only positive encouragement and happy story sharing at this point. 

There are still so many things that could happen. We have no idea. She could turn. I could go into a fast labor. We could be asked to do this sooner than expected. Things could go unexpected in surgery. We could end up having to use a different doctor. WHO KNOWS.

But, we are doing our best to keep fear out of our way and take one day at a time - just like the rest of this pregnancy journey. We have each other and our family and friends and know that these next couple weeks will be great. We can’t wait to welcome this little girl to our family!

Here are more pics from this week!

// 35+ weeks, 30 years old, and thankful//

Me on Thanksgiving aka my 30th birthday!

It was absolutely perfect that my birthday happened to land on Thanksgiving this year. There is no word that would describe this year better than THANKFUL.

I’m thankful that our baby has made it to 35 weeks.

I’m thankful that we should get to meet her soon.

I’m thankful for the friends and family who have showered us with love over and over this year. I should’ve bought stock in hallmark thank you cards.

I’m thankful to tutu who moved down just enough this week to let me enjoy a giant Thanksgiving feast and birthday cupcakes.

I’m thankful that my family is just awesome, both sides, 100 percent.

I’m thankful for Donald, who has had quite the first 7 months of marriage. :)

I’m thankful for my job and my home and my dogs (dogs, most of the time).

I’m thankful for the other moms who have been so gracious with advice and answering my questions and offering support.

I’m thankful that week 35 was full of visits with friends and family.

♥ Just plain thankful. ♥

some pics from this week…

Nathen, me, and mom

Dad, his first born, and her first born

relaxing on vacation

so many candles…it was ridiculous how long it took to blow these out!

cute decor put up by my mom :)

Pretty amazing card from my sister who, even though she’s a half a world away, managed to get this to me with a present on time!

more cute gifts to make me smile :) - Ash, thank you for letting me cry in a wendy’s and not freaking out when I almost needed EMTs to save me from choking!

Me, Meg, and Noah - thank you for coming to see us! and I’ve never been so thankful for group texts. ;)

Malia, Kara, me - I wish I could see you more! thank you for the visit. :) Malia melts me.

// 34 Weeks//

34 Weeks

How far along? 34 weeks yesterday! 

Baby’s size? About 4-5 pounds. Read more. 

Days until next doc appointment? 2 weeks

Total weight gain/loss? About 25 pounds. …but Thanksgiving is coming! yum ;)

Maternity clothes? Remember last week when I complained about rain boots not fitting? My amazing MIL bought me new rain/snow boots for my birthday without even knowing about the old ones! And they’re hounds-tooth with lime green inside, so cute.

Stretch marks? Yes, but no new ones!

Sleep: As of this last week, sleep has become interesting. I still only wake up one time to roll from one side to the other, but for some reason - maybe because I sleep so hard - the process makes me angry. There’s nothing to be upset about. It’s quick and sometimes painless, but the anger draws it out and makes me wake up grumpy. Anyway, I’m working on it.

Best moment this week: So much this week! Spokane baby shower/luncheon last weekend was awesome - loved seeing new and old friends. Lots and lots of nesting! A surprise work shower luncheon. A La Leche League meeting. All great stuff!!

Movement: Tutu has developed a new relationship with my bladder. Enough said. :)

Food cravings: It’s getting to the point where I loathe food because of how miserable it makes my poor cramped stomach area. 

Missing anything? My sista! Even though I don’t see her that often anyway, knowing she’s half a world away makes me miss her more. :) 

Labor signs? Nope.

Belly button: Innie, although stressed.

Happy or moody?  Pretty happy I’d say! I have noticed that I seem to be moving into a different space now. One where I am really valuing any opportunity to move at my own pace, both mentally and physically. Being alone and going slow and little noise is pure heaven right now.

About this week:

Baby showers are the best. I mean really quite amazing how women come together to support each other, offer advice and encouragement, and offer an outpouring of supplies and gifts for the new member of the family. I like to imagine woman all over the world doing the same thing, in different ways, to support each other through pregnancy and birth. I know the support in motherhood will be equally as sweet.

Sweet favors filled with yum.

La Leche League. If you’re not familiar with it, LLL is a national organization started over 50 years ago by 7 women who wanted to share correct information and support breastfeeding women in their communities. We have several options for meetings and support groups in Spokane, which is sweet. 

To be honest I was pretty nervous about going. Would it too hippie? Would they force their opinions on me? You get it. What I found was total opposite. There was a small group of 5 - two of us pregnant, two with 5 month olds, one with a one week old, and the sweet, kind-hearted group leader. All around my age’ish. We talked about potential situations brought on by holidays and how to prepare for them. Some people had specific questions about what they’re experiencing. Mostly we just shared general “don’t worry, that’s normal”s and “it’ll get better”s and “try this” and “if you have any trouble, call me, any hour of the day” type sentiments. Perfect. 

Surprise Work Baby Shower - I ♥ surprises!

lovely ladies

Nesting!

I’ve decided to coin my friend Ashley as my “professional nester”. She was so helpful after my final shower. She helped me think through where things should go, take tags off stuff, and just really think about how I will practically use all of our items and nick nacks. A serious life saver when pregnancy brain hits and, left to my own devices, I probably would’ve just sat on the floor and played with hair bows for an hour before remembering what I should be doing.

Look at all the laundry Dad DJ did!!

All Donald again :) How cute are these?!

32 weeks

28 weeks and 29 weeks

27 weeks

25 weeks

23 weeks

21 weeks

20 weeks

19 weeks

18 weeks

17 weeks

16 weeks

15 and 12 weeks

// 32 weeks//

Happy or moody?

I decided to start with this question today. This morning I needed extra time and sleep before coming to work. I feel like I’ve been fighting a bug and sometimes my body just says no. So I took my time, snuggled in my blankets, got ready with my hus, and headed out to starbucks before work.

I sat in the starbucks drive through with the rain coming down hard around me. And my eyes well up. As they do a lot. The third trimester has been easy, except for hormones. Oh you lovely hormones. 

I sat in my car and thought “I love the fall”. And I realized we have a lot in common. Some days I feel sunny and others it rains in the middle of the afternoon for no reason. Some days are dark and gloomy and other days the sky is ablaze with color. Fall is a time of change and anticipation. It’s unpredictable. This is how I am.

It takes a lot of patience and a lot of attention, but the change that happens is worth it. We will both emerge into winter, where I’ll leave behind an old self - leaves fallen - and I’ll emerge a budding mother. And by spring, hopefully our little family will be thriving. So let’s be patient, enjoy the changes, and look forward to the time we get to snuggle in together while we grow and watch the snow fall.

How far along? 32 weeks today! Hello, November :)

Baby’s size? About 4 pounds. Read more.

Days until next doc appointment? 2 weeks

Total weight gain/loss? About 25 pounds. Feelings about my body can be a total roller coaster - as with just about everything right now. :P Most days I’m so thrilled by my pregnant body. I hardly even notice how much I’ve grown. I can stare in the mirror forever amazed at how my body is accommodating this little growing person. Other days it feels like I’m carrying an elephant on my back and my joints and muscles are crushing under them. I can be so discouraged at my inability to do simple things without a serious amount of effort and loss of breath. I worry about if I’m okay - eating too much? exercising enough? getting enough protein? too much sweets? But, I think all in all I’m doing okay. We’re both healthy and most days feeling great!

Maternity clothes? Why don’t my rain boots fit?! WHY? Not cool.

Stretch marks? Yes, more on the boobs. Less discouraging this time though. Still none anywhere else!

Sleep: The dreams…oh the dreams. I had a dream there were two babies in my belly, and I only registered and bought stuff for one of them! I was so upset in my dream..I was even calculating day care costs for two versus one. Ridiculous :P

Best moment this week: Going to the pumpkin patch, seeing friends, going to a Zags game…doing things that will be harder to do in a short while. :)

Movement: Still rockin’! I hope her movements will be more consistently felt from the outside though. She’s so deep that it can be hard to share the joy with others who want to feel her.

Food cravings: Not really. Still learning how to adjust to the shrinking space for my stomach. 

Anything make you queasy or sick? Eating even slightly too much or drinking too much makes me feel awful.  

Have you started to show yet? Silly question. I’m all sortsa show.

Missing anything? Energy and stamina..the usual. I miss the independence…sometimes being so reliant on Donald or other people can wear on me.

Labor signs? .Nope.

Belly button: Innie ya’ll.

Wedding rings on or off? On more often than not…maybe it was the summer weather.

28 weeks and 29 weeks

27 weeks

25 weeks

23 weeks

21 weeks

20 weeks

19 weeks

18 weeks

17 weeks

16 weeks

15 and 12 weeks